No reason - just writing.

A lot of things are starting to pile up on me recently. College is sneaking up on me fast and I really need to get into applying for schools and scholarships and such. Christmas is sneaking up even faster, and I have no idea what to get anyone or even what I'd like to have for myself. I just finished filling out about half of UK's application online. I got to the essay parts and decided to call it quits for now. I'm looking forward to the college life so much that I think I might have over glorified it, and it won't be as awesome as I'm expecting it to. I'm also excited about knowing a few people who are going to be attending UK as well, and maybe getting to know them a little better.



This weekend, I went to Iceland; not the country - the ice skating rink. I went last weekend too, but nothing exciting happened that time. Yes, yesterday I fell on my freakin' face. This would have marked my fourth time ice skating without getting seriously injured, but it didn't work out that way. I was just kind of skating along, weaving my way in and out of the 6 year olds and other teenagers who think it's cool to come and stand in the middle of the rink and talk, when all of the sudden these guys decide their going to race. They aren't even kids, they looked like they were in their late twenties. Anyways, they come flying by me, and I'm not paying attention, and I lose my balance, turn around and fall. I stick my hands out to catch me, and they slide out from under me. My head whiplashes into the ice (which I learned is quite solid) and my lip busts and starts bleeding. Don't get me wrong, it was funny. Any time someone falls, it's funny. But it did have a side effect of pain. Today, my cheek is still a little swelled, and its cut up. Most of the swelling in my lip has calmed down, but it still looks kinda weird. I look like I got in some sort of epic battle with like, eight black guys. Being the badass that I am, of course I won, but one of them got in a lucky punch or two.



I suppose now, my short-lived, 'I want to be a pilot' stage is over. I'm still interested in flying of course, because it is simply amazing, but I'm beginning to think realistically I guess. My goal right now is to attend UK for a year or two, and then possibly transfer out to Western to pursue Photojournalism. I think I'm more interested in that as a major than just journalism itself. I think my whole thing with journalism is that, it's one of the best ways to get your voice out there. As long as you get into a field of journalism that connects with your interests at heart, you're going to have fun writing about what ever it is that you're covering. I've never had any interest in politics, I think I've mentioned this many times before - but after watching that video 'Orwell Rolls Over in his Grave' I've kind of changed my mind about that. I'm interested in politics, but more specifically, the corruption of the media via politics, and government. I'm interested in getting into a career field full of lies and deceit; where what you're told to report is nothing near the truth but it doesn't matter because the government decides what is truth and what isn't. It's a very 1984 world inside of the media. In the bluntest way possible... I want to get in there and fuck it up. I don't know why I keep thinking about playing the Hero. I'm not that guy. I've never seen myself as being that guy that starts a revolution, or the guy that stands up for what he believes in and takes a beating for it. I don't think I'm much of a leader or anything like that, but something inside of me wants to do something about this world we live in. Something inside of me wants the truth above all things, and wants to deliver it to the world, pure, and unadulterated. I can't explain it. But I feel it.

Just in the mood, ya know?

I'm just in the mood to write, to speak, to converse - to say everything and not so much all at once and maybe connect with a few people in the process. Like the majority of my blog posts, they aren't sophisticated, or pretty, or about anything that is relatively important to anyone. Mainly, my blogs are for me. I write to escape, to vent, and to clear my head. I don't have one of those best friends that you tell everything to, because honestly, I would feel way too lame to do that because I feel like none of my friends could really understand the way I work. But somehow, I feel not so lame sharing this with everyone, and anyone who wants to see it. I feeding this blog into my notes through facebook, but I don't think many people know how to even check their notes, so I guess we'll see how much attention this grabs.
Right now in my life I want to say that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I'm really not. There's nothing holding me back and the future is infinite, but I'm scared I guess - and lonely. I wish I could connect. I feel like I'm floating above everyone else. Not in a way that portrays me as better than everyone else, but mainly just disconnected if you know what I mean. I feel like me and most girls don't relate. Sometimes I can see myself with someone, and in my head it all plays out perfect, and things go well, and they actually probably still do in reality. I kind of think I throw blinders on myself, and make bad situations out of good ones. I feel like I only aspire to get things, or perhaps in this sense, people, who seem to be unobtainable, and perfect, and amazing. The thing is, the majority of the time, they become obtainable, they are within reach and probably more so, and I think that freaks me out. It's almost like I view them as something unreal. I dunno. My mother tells me I'm like this with all things though. I want everything, and when I get it, I don't want it anymore.
I'm looking for my Antidote-Girl. The girl that can cure me. The girl that is going to keep me wanting her, even after I have her. It sounds like a difficult concept to grasp, and maybe it is, but that's what I need. Someone who is genuinely interested in me, and my hobbies and my music and my lifestyle, my ambitions, my future. Someone who will tell me all about those things in regards to herself. Someone unafraid to talk about our future and where we might end up, because I'm looking for the type of thing serious enough to stay serious for a long time - forever even. The type of girl who is a virgin, and likes it that way. The girl that understands and accepts that I'm not on fire for God, and I'm terribly confused as to where I stand with religion in general - and will let me work things out with that myself, and not pressure me, but help if I need it. The kind of girl who maybe laughs a little too much, and makes me feel like I'm incredibly funny. The girl that I can text all the time, because I love texting, and I'm not really sure why. The girl who understands that I curse a little bit more than I probably should, but I'd try hard to tone it down if it made her unhappy. I'm just starting to think that a girl like this is just a little bit too much to find, ya know? Maybe just a little bit to far fetched to be a rational idea. Maybe my problem is that I sit here and write a hundred blogs about the kind of girl I want to have instead of going out and playing the field looking for one.
But meeting girls here seems like I may as well be fishing in the desert. No one at my school fills my all too specific criteria for the perfect girl, but I don't ask that it be filled completely. I'm thinking I really should just go ahead and give up on love throughout the rest of senior year and try again fresh when I go off to college. I really don't want to, because I'd like to have that warm, happy, 'relationship' feeling again as soon as possible, but perhaps I'm trying too hard.